so i have been thinking.

Why is it every time I feel I am standing on my own two feet something awful happens? I just want to be able to get up one day and not worry about feeling sick or hurting anywhere. I just don't know how some people do it. I mean I am 25 years old and I can't get my body acting right. I am so sick of being over weight and tired all the time. I want to be able to run after Taylor and take care of her. If anyone has any ideas please let me know. I know this all sounds like a huge pity thing but I am in need of a venting. I want to start taking walks but hate doing it all on my own. I want John to come along with me but he doesn't seem interested at all. I did 30 sit ups tonight. On top of feeling like poop today I am officially sore now. Like anyone cares to know that. Taylor goes to the doctor Aug. 8th for a weight check. She lost 2 oz in one month. She isn't showing any signs of being unhealthy. She looks happy. I wonder if she is just supposed to be tiny. I don't want to force more food on her. I just figured out what was causing her to be constipated. It was her cereals that I was feeding her. Now she is less gassy and way less fussy from a hurting tummy. Now I have to get her used to not eating so much at once. I had been feeding her 8oz of food plus her cereal. That was causing her belly aches and my supply issues. Now I deal with her fussing cause she doesn't feel full. My dear husband I don't think he has much faith in what I am doing for her. It is just I am trying a new option to see if it works. I will not put her on formula. I will do all I can before that happens. She doesn't look sickly or anything. She is just tiny. I wish people had more faith in my instincts. I would not do anything to hurt her at all. I just want the utmost best for her. She is my world ( along with my husband and furson) it is just that I would do anything for her. I just want what is the best for her. I do not feel putting her on formula is the best thing. She hasn't had one ear infection or ever been sick. She is "teething" as the doctor says but that is it. I just really wish I got more support on the efforts I am putting into making sure she has all she needs. I love my family and I love my loved ones. I just don't want to put her on something that isn't necessary right now. I want to try all the options I can before I have to turn down a road I don't want to go down.
So now I have gotten some of what I am feeling out.
I am not sure how to put the other things they are things that are going on with my husbands family and us and I just haven't figured out the wording for it. I will note on one thing that I don't feel I alienate anyone. If I do then I am sorry and I will try not to. I know one other thing when I was told that I was the one being alienated. I have always been put that way. I have done nothing but be kind and open to everyone and I get accused of doing that. I don't know what people think of me as no one tells me the truth. I have seen people being two faced and completely disrespectful of John, me and our daughter. I will not stand for it and the person knows who they are and I shouldn't have to name names. But PLEASE take my child's photo off your Yahoo Messenger. I am tired of seeing it up there and not knowing who all sees it. I don't know the people you do and I don't trust them. They could be sick freaks wacking off to her. I don't care how well YOU know them the thing is she is OUR child and not yours. I know your proud for some reason of her ( even thou you come across harsh to me) but she isn't your child or grandchild you don't have the right to post her up. It would of been different if you had given John and I the respect of asking us. The thing is you couldn't be bothered to do that. You just think you can do what ever you want and I am sick of people running me over. She isn't yours to post to people. If i come across selfish then I am. I dealt with 9 months of pregnancy and long hours of labor. I have earned the right to put her on my messenger with John and I. But you haven't even come to see her. Your not supportive in any way of us. Therefore you have not earned a right to do it. You don't even respect OUR wishes and take it down when something is said. You cry and run to others to get us to say sorry. I will NOT say sorry. I stand by our desicion. I will not take my post off MY blog either. Deal with it. You have told me from day one to get over it. So my words to you now are "Grow up and DEAL. When you can respect us then you can speak to me. If you can't come to terms and respect us and our daughter then don't bother asking me about her." O.K. I have said my part on that. I may blog more on that later.


For now I am done. I feel a little lighter and happier. Love to all and I part on this thought. If you respect someone they are more likely to respect you back. If you don't respect anyone then don't expect someone to respect you.


Thanks for reading. Leave a comment or email me at BLCAIN2005@gmail.com


Beverly